Things have no choice but to be ok. Right? In this fast paced world, where everyone is rushing past you, without the slightest concern of knocking you right out of their way, you have no choice but to brace yourself, make your feet fall strong on the ground, to really connect, so that the shoves and pushes don’t send you flying. The question of the day, week, month and year has been, is it: I’m only twenty-five, or I’m already twenty-five!? To be honest, I don’t know the answer. I probably never will, maybe not even when I’m 55. Some of us are put together, and some are not. My pieces are jagged and I like them that way. I have been learning a lot about myself in Paris. Especially about my resilience, a quality, I didn’t know I had. A lot of bad shit has happened recently, with loosing housing and money and so forth, but there is no point in writing about it. I think a lot about random things on long metro rides. Mostly the metro brings out the melancholy in me. Anyways, I started thinking about the notion of choice and will on the metro today. The fact of it is, we always have more choices than we ever chose to admit. Anyways, I can choose to dwell on the awful scam and losing out, or I can choose to not. I choose to not, in every sense.
Paris and France in general are going a little crazy these days. What baffles me is the reaction of the youth. Compared to the sluggish apathy of the US, the youth here are incredibly invested and active. The only thing is, for most, the active investment seems to be more to jump on the band wagon than to actually enact any change. Anyways, as a result, things are getting fairly destructive. Which in short, is stupid.
That aside, things are wonderful. I have been walking around the city, going to gardens and reading books. I got a library membership a few days ago, which has been amazing. The past two days, I cooked with friends, which was also great. I recreated a dish that Victor’s mom made for us when we were in Noisy, at Fariba’s. I think it turned out great, or at least she complimented it a lot, and ate it all. Today, I cooked with some other friends and we made our French friends try mac and cheese, which they loved. But when you use 2 blocks of cheddar, one packet of cream fresh and butter, there aren’t many people who won’t like it.
I want to be writing more. I think of a lot to say and write when I am on the metro, and I need to start carrying a notebook and a pen on me to just write the thoughts when they come to me. The short story I submitted to the contest has made it to the final round… sooooo… fingers crossed; it might make it all the way to actually get a placement, which would be amazing. I don’t know why it should matter, getting recognition, but somehow it does. I spend a lot of time thinking about who exactly I’m writing for. If it’s for me, then why does it matter if I get published or not, and why does it matter if anyone reads it. And honestly, if the end goal is to have a readership, then why is it so mortifying to show what you’re writing to anyone? How does that make sense? Anyways, since most things don’t make sense, this can just get added to the list.
I saw this secret on post secret that said: “my mental illnesses have been worth my talents”. I can’t really get it out of my head.
Today I went to the Jardin des plantes and amused myself by thinking about networks of people and how in many ways our interactions are like a giant body of water. We constantly create movement and tides, high and low, with the push and pull of emotions, a waning and strengthening of bonds and feelings, as we pull closer and farther away from each other.
Nothing too deep, just a weird thought that amused me for a little bit.
After the Jardin, I went to the coolest Moroccan tea saloon and drank sweet tea with honey cake! and honestly, there were birds flying all over the place, but they were the really little kind, so I was ok. Nadda wanted to feed them, and even I was able to get behind that idea, because it was actually kind of cute. So I took some of my cake and crumbled it onto the table... bad idea. Around ten of the little birds flew over and totally freaked the shit out me. I'm surprised I didn't freak out and run screaming.
Anyways, Paris is great so far. Can’t wait to make my little hole apartment cute and have friends over for dinner and wine!
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